Thursday, December 30, 2010

"And you are Mama's wife and Mama is your wife?"

Lately, Skye has been studying our family tree and how she fits into it all. I suppose all children start to build an awareness of how they are related to each member of their family,  but I doubt that not all lessons are received with the same undivided attention that a cashier at Target gave Skye as she recapped her understanding.

Skye loves to shop for clothes, so when her Trinidadian grandparents were in a few weeks ago, they took her Christmas shopping so she could pick out her own outfits. The rules were clear. She could pick out four outfits and they would be wrapped and waiting for her on Christmas morning. She reveled in the adventure of picking colors and styles and the perfect accessories for each outfit. She picked a blue outfit to match her eyes, a purple outfit and two pink outfits because it was her favorite color. Skye is not a quiet child, so she was using her best stage voice in the girls' department to describe each piece of jewelry she picked to go with her outfits.

As Donna and her parents corralled Skye to the checkout, she loving held her Grandpa's hand and then asked Donna to confirm her understanding of her family tree. You must understand what the cashier was seeing as well as hearing. Granny is a beautiful rich coffee color and Granddad has a red tone to his tan skin. Both of them have beautiful snow-white hair now. Donna is a perfect blend of both her parents, caramel-colored skin and salt and pepper hair.  Skye is a fair-skinned blond with navy-blue eyes.

Skye said, "Mummy, Granny is your Mummy and you are my Mummy, right?"

Donna answered, "Yes, Skye."

Skye continued, "And Granddad is your Daddy and my Granddad, right?"

Donna responded, "Yes, Skye."


"And you are Mama's wife and Mama is your wife?"

"Yes, Skye."

"And I'm Hunter's sister and Hunter is my brother?"

"Yes sweetheart."

Skye was satisfied and the cashier was riveted. She suddenly snapped back to the task at hand and cashed out this diverse family. Throughout the whole lesson, Granny and Granddad and Donna were beaming, clearly proud at how easily Skye put all the pieces together and entertained by the cashier's reaction. The cashier was dumbfounded at how all the pieces fit together. Yet Skye perfectly understood how her family tree branched out from her Mummy and proudly shared her knowledge.

I love my diverse family. And I love how openly we all walk through the world together, accepting one another and embracing our differences. There is a warmth in our family that keeps out the cold that ignorance and fear bring. That warmth is fueled by the fiery pride we share and the faith that someday, conversations similar to this one will be overheard and all that will be on the cashier's face is a friendly smile.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Lord Have Mercy

As I sit here reflecting on Christmas, the true meaning of Christmas, I'm humbled by all the blessings that I have in my life. My children are healthy and happy, my wife is steadfast and loyal and deals with my hormonal mood swings. Right now, I'm having a doosy of a mood that has amplified all of my insecurities and fears. She has handled it with humor and grace. I really do wonder how she deals with those moments and I'm grateful that she does.

I force myself to focus on my blessings when those bouts of insecurity creep into my psyche.

One of my most cherished blessings is our church home, St. Mark's Episcopal Church in Teaneck, NJ. It's a reflection of what I hope Heaven looks like. It's an inclusive parish and it's incredibly diverse in age, marital status, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, geographic roots and religious background. Part of it's mission statement is that "We are believers and skeptics at the same time." I love that part of our mission statement because it points to how dynamic our faith must be. At a time when we are surrounded by commercialism and fear and hate;  as Christians, we must suspend our grasp on "reality" as we celebrate Christ's birth through the Virgin Mary, death, and resurrection.

Although both of our children have been baptized at St. Mark's, our attendance has been spotty over the past nine years. We looked for a church home when we were expecting Hunter. We attended several Episcopal churches in our area and settled on St. Mark's because it just felt right. In contrast, one of the parishes we had visited with our infant son left an indelible memory. One of the members approached us and asked us who Hunter's mother was. I answered, "We both are." He kept digging, with this dogged determination to know who gave birth to Hunter. We refused to answer his prying questions and decided that we would never return to that parish.

Since Skye is older now and more manageable in church, she and I have attended much more regularly and it's one of her favorite things to do. I take great pride and comfort in the joy she shows when she knows it's Sunday morning and we'll be going to church. When she's at church, one of her favorite parts is the responsive prayer in which the parish responds to each line of prayer with "Lord Have Mercy." Skye's response is a beat behind the rest of the parish, as she loudly repeats, "Lord Have Mercy." I love the soft chuckles that echo throughout the church. The church is open and accepting and I love how I feel when I'm there.

I hope that Skye always approaches her faith with that unbridled enthusiasm. It's contagious and it's something I have to thank her for, as she's reawakened my own faith.

So, as we celebrate Christ's birth this month, I thank God that He's always present and standing with open arms for those of us who unknowingly walk away from that source of strength. I believe that faith fuels our humanity and allows us to deal with the atrocities that hurt our families and our communities. In my favorite Christmas song, O Holy Night, the line that resonates for me most is "Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

My soul does feel worthy and I'm so glad that the Lord has had mercy on me and allows me to serve as an instrument of His work. I pray that this blog continues to touch people's lives and give hope to other GLBT people. Don't have to be ashamed of who you are and remember that you are worthy of living an authentic, fulfilling and happy life.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thank you to our Public Schools

Hunter just got his report card this week and he was one grade away from making the honor roll. He struggles in math, and that's his Achilles heel. Our focus will be to try to bring that grade up and Hunter is up for the challenge, albeit, reluctantly. His learning style has proven that his learning is most successful if he can touch and feel rather than just wrestle with abstract ideas. So, he has a tough time staying focused if there isn't something tangible in place to draw him back to the lesson at hand.

Skye has been wowing us with her "Spanglish" skills. She'll be entering kindergarten in the Fall of 2011. Her last year of pre-school is full of "homework" where she has to write out letters and numbers and her name. And, she gets a good deal of exposure to Spanish, which she loves to weave into her predominantly English conversations at home. I feel compelled to pick up a Rosetta Stone program so I know what she's talking about. It's only a matter of time before she blows past my rudimentary Dora the Explorer skills.

Like any parent, I'm so proud of my kids. It's nice to see the partnership with teachers paying off and the confidence that Hunter has developed in 4th grade after a difficult couple of years. His teachers have really outdone themselves in teaming with us to help him succeed. It's wonderful to know that they are approachable and open to our ideas in how to best position him for success.

I think every parent for generations have prayed that their children do better than they have. In today's global economy, it's even more important than ever. And the competition is exponentially greater as each year passes.  According to the World Economic Forum’s Competitiveness Index, the United States is now only the fourth most competitive country in the world, having been surpassed by Sweden and Singapore and still trailing Switzerland in the number one position. As recently as the 2008-2009 analysis by the World Economic Forum, the United States was the best in the world. Not a good trend, first to fourth in just two years.

I think education should be put at the top of our list of priorities as a country. Unlike many who want to scapegoat our public schools for not caring enough, I want to pump more money and incentive into our public schools, because the vast majority of Americans can't afford other options to help their children stay competitive. I have seen the most talented and dedicated teachers in our public schools in New Jersey. And in recent years, I have seen many leave because of budget cuts.

My pride and joy, Hunter and Skye, are a testament to the quality of education we get if we partner with our public schools. Let's not give up on the institution of public learning that has given back to us for generations. It's time we gave more of our time and money to help our schools. After all, I know for me, public schools are the foundation upon which my success has been realized. So for that I say thank you!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

"...The Funniest Boy in the World Wouldn't be Here!"

One of my best friends shared a story recently about a teaching moment she had with her children. She has two beautiful little girls. I'll call them Alexandra and Rebeca. Alexandra, her oldest, is stunning with big green eyes and blond hair and a complexion that most women would kill for. She's tall, too, for her ten years and already stands eye-to-eye with me (a modest 5'4" on my tallest day). Her beauty is matched, dare I say, exceeded by her intellect. She has a scientific mind coupled with an entrepreneurial spirit that promises great success in her future. She and Hunter are in the same class.

Rebeca, her youngest, is blessed with her father's eyes, a beautifully mischievous smile, and a take-no-prisoners attitude. She's adorable and has harbored a long time love for our son Hunter. Hunter knows how to work that affection to his advantage. We can all take heart that he uses his powerful charm for good. When she slips into an angry mood, if Hunter is around, he knows exactly how to act silly enough to melt that angry pout into a beautiful smile and whatever is bothering her at the time is overshadowed by her joy in having his attention. Lately, she's called Hunter "the funniest boy in the world."

My friend recently returned to the stage after spending several years away enjoying her favorite starring role as her daughters' mother. She is performing as Fraulein Schneider, in Cabaret. While discussing with her children the backdrop against which the musical is set, she told them about all of the victims of the Holocaust, including Jewish people and anyone else who didn't fit Hitler's Aryan definition of what it is to be German. She also told them that gay and lesbian people were often victims of his murderous reign. Because the girls are so close to our family, they were shocked to learn that in the 1940s, one her favorite friend's parents could have been killed. Rebecca's reaction was, "That's terrible! If that happened today, the funniest boy in the world wouldn't be here!"

What I love most about that story is how  it demonstrates how much she loves Hunter. She would never want anything terrible to happen to him; so to her, the thought that he may never have existed is outrageous.  Before she heard about the atrocities committed against gay people, it wasn't a big deal that Hunter's parents were gay. What was greatest in her mind was that if Hunter's parents weren't here, then the funniest boy in the world wouldn't have been here. 

Although we have come a long way since the 1940s, to a large degree we still have a long way to go before GLBT people are given equal rights and protections under the law in the United States. However, the fact that a little girl in Hunter's school is willing to move mountains for him, gives me great  hope for the future.

Hunter is here today because of the love Donna and I share and our unwavering faith and belief that we would be blessed with children one day. I pray that the same divinity that brought him and Skye into our lives touches more lives and ushers in a more inclusive, more accepting, and more loving time.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

"May I ask you a personal question?"

This morning I got a call from a dear friend of mine whose son is doing a paper on Gay Marriage. His junior high school class picked that topic as part of their social studies curriculum. She broached the topic by asking if she could ask me a personal question. I invited her to do just that. She asked me about the difference between a Civil Union and Marriage, and I told her according to the State of New Jersey, it's about semantics. But, as we talked, it became clear that it's about more than that.

I believe it's a matter of Civil Rights and that the State has legislated bigotry by not allowing me to marry my wife.

Though civil union and marriage both refer to some kind of union, they are different in many aspects, especially the legal aspects. Civil Union is not recognized by all states. This means that the agreement, which has been made through civil union, becomes invalid when a couple crosses into another state where it has not been recognized. When talking of legal protection, a couple who has married, will get the maximum benefits, unlike a couple who has been engaged in a civil union. Though couples engaged in civil union get some of the state’s protection, they will not get the maximum federal benefits. Marriage gives couples the right to file joint tax returns, and also gives them certain tax protection and tax breaks. However, these benefits are not available for couples who are engaged in a civil union. Another difference that can be seen, is that a surviving spouse will have all legal rights to the assets of a deceased spouse. On the contrary, the spouse is not entitled to inherit any property if they are engaged in civil union. In the case of family medical leave,  only married couples are entitled to it. (http://www.difference between.net/miscellaneous/difference-between-civil-union-and-marriage)

The two most important examples of the difference between "traditional" marriage and the Civil Union Donna and I have are Hunter and Skye. We each had to adopt our own children. Had one of us been a man, our names would have been listed on our children's birth certificates. The mechanics of how we had our children would not have been at issue. Like male/female couples with fertility issues, we had to try harder to conceive our children. It should be left at that. Instead, we had to do a second parent adoption to have equal parental rights. Apart from the moral implications, that extra step to ensure our parental rights puts us at a financial disadvantage as well. The only time those legal expenses are incurred by straight couples is if one of them is adopting a step child.

Like many complicated issues, I think it's imperative to breathe life into "social issues" by sharing personal stories.  The only way to humanize the conversation is to stand up as examples of those who are not recognized as important enough to enjoy the same rights and privileges as heterosexual couples. My marriage (and Donna and I consider our union as sacred as our heterosexual peers' marriages) is as precious to me as heterosexual couples' marriages are to them.

Now, I want to thank our school district for having the courage to build this issue into it's curriculum so that young people can thoughtfully consider the issues and hopefully learn that at the end of the day, all gay couples want are the same rights and privileges of marriage that so many others enjoy. I want to be able to introduce my wife without people doing a double-take, despite how subtle it may be. I want to be able to have the peace of mind to travel to another state in our Union and not worry about what happens if one of us had a medical emergency and our marriage was not recognized (a reason we have legal health care directives in place---another expense straight couples don't incur). I want to be able to have the peace of mind that if I were to pre-decease my wife, she would be entitled to my Social Security benefits. Now, I don't have that peace of mind.

Hopefully, our young people will give me that peace of mind someday soon.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Scared to Death

A few weeks ago I thought I was dying. I'm 39 years old with two young children and I was scared to death that I wouldn't see them again as I foolishly drove myself to the emergency room. I was having chest pain that radiated to my shoulder blades and made breathing very difficult. I drove myself to the emergency room because I didn't want to just brush it off as heartburn, which I do suffer from and which has become increasingly more severe over the past year. However, the heartburn usually responded to Zantac, and this time, it hadn't. It had been bothering me for the entire day and after dinner, it just got far worse than I had ever experienced before.

As I was driving to the hospital, the fear that I wouldn't see my babies again was overwhelming. I tear up even as I write this. I thought about my gentle nine-year old boy Hunter, who has such a strong sense of who he is and is so considerate of other's feelings. He's unusually adept at articulating how he feels and what he thinks; he's truly older than his years. He's witty and charming and has gorgeous hair and enormous blue eyes that seem to look into your soul. He wants to be a forest ranger and has such a deep love for animals and nature that I think it truly may be what he ultimately pursues.

At the same time, I thought about my sweet and outrageous little four-year old warrior princess, Skye. When she smiles, her eyes become twinkly little corn-flower blue crescent moons. She has a scandalous laugh that is far bigger than she is and she loves to pretend she's Michael Jackson. Even at four years old, she's definite about what she wants and has shown clear signs that she also has the determination to get it.She loves to go to church with me and has become known as "Lord Have Mercy" for her enthusiastic responses to our responsive prayers.

When I arrived at the hospital, as soon as I mentioned chest pains, I was immediately given an EKG, which was normal. Because I was still having chest pain, I was admitted. The good news is that my heart is strong. When I was given a strong antacid, Protonix, the feeling that some one's fist was in my chest finally subsided. So, the diagnosis was acute acid reflux. My doctor and my wife both feel it was brought on by stress. I can't disagree and I've been scared into being more aware of what I eat and how I take care of myself.

I was also made aware of my mortality and how precious life really is. Occasionally over the past few weeks I've wondered what my children would do if I weren't around. Thank God, they have two great moms, and Donna was a trooper during that crisis. She's a wonderful mom and made life as normal as possible for them during the time I was in the hospital, so they hardly remember it now. Our children also have a lot of other adults who love them and would step in to help Donna if I hadn't been so lucky. But, I imagine they would still be left with a lot of questions about who I was and what I thought about them if had died.

I'm blessed to have this blog because I think it will answer those questions. So much of who I am is because of them. They are the inspiration for the writing that I do on this blog and they are the reason that I'm a parent living in suburbia to begin with. This blog will record the joy I have in parenting them and watching them grow up. So, there will be no question at all about what I think about them. They are remarkable human beings that I have been blessed to call my children.

As far as who I am? I'm a writer who hit the jackpot when I became a mother. In addition to my blog, Gay Parent Magazine has also given me a voice to share my musings on parenthood. My favorite colors are green and orange, my favorite foods are Mexican and Italian, and my hobbies are reading and writing. I love to laugh and I love to listen to Anne Murray. I've been blessed with a great career as a manager and a proposal development professional at IBM. I'm inspired by the human spirit and I would love to be a pastor when I grow up.

I'm actually grateful to have been scared to death because it helped me see my blessings even more clearly. Lord, thank you for letting me walk out of the hospital and back into the arms of a great family. I can't wait to get down to the business of growing more and discovering things about myself and about them.