Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"Mom, is sex fun?"

Hunter is growing up so fast and the speed at which he's jettisoning toward puberty and adulthood seems to be increasing exponentially with each passing day. That increase is partly due to media influences and the messaging about being cool sometimes equals being sexy. That message is putting unnecessary pressure on our kids to do adult things before they are adults and have the right coping skills and understanding of the consequences of their actions.

Hunter and I recently enjoyed some one-on-one time in the car after we dropped my beautiful niece with my parents in Boston. So, as Hunter and I hit the highway to head home to New Jersey, we enjoyed some deep conversation. As a few dear friends with older children have predicted, the car proved to be conducive to really complicated topics. I think the car creates an environment in which children, especially boy-children, open up and talk. Perhaps it's just ergonomically-friendly when a son is talking to the back of his mom's head and can't see the fleeting panic cross her face as this question is asked:  "Mom, is sex fun?"

Now, the emotions that flooded my mind as this question left Hunter's lips were overwhelming. I am quite proud that I was able to compose myself quickly enough to ask, "What makes you ask that?" It was the classic "answer a question with a question" strategy meant to buy me more time to craft a thoughtful answer that didn't scar Hunter for life. As I waited for his response, I was choosing whether to be honest and say, "yes" or answer dishonestly and have this become the pivotal moment of his future need for sex-therapy by telling him, "Absolutely not. . . it hurts like hell!"

He said that he saw a promotion for a documentary on History Channel or Discovery Channel where the host explores why different things are fun. Apparently, the next topic was to be "Why is Sex Fun?"

So, I seized this major teaching moment and decided to be honest. I answered, "Yes, Hunter, it is fun and that's why people make such a big deal about it. But, it's also incredibly special and I hope you chose your first experience to be with someone you love. Ideally, I'd like that person to be your wife." I continued my answer with this bit of advice:  "Your first time with sex is something that you can't take back and I don't ever want you to regret your decision." He paused and took this in and then added, "And I have to use a condom right?"

I felt myself clench the steering wheel even harder, grateful for the dark of night cloaking both my white knuckles and my crimson cheeks. "Absolutely, Hunter. And not just to keep a girl from getting pregnant, but also to make sure you don't get any diseases." I instantly felt remorse over my glee that Donna had "the talk" with him several months earlier, so I didn't have to deal with it. Now that he knew the mechanics, the questions were getting harder and the topics more complicated than the clinical aspects of puberty and sex. That will teach me for thinking I got away with anything!

Fortunately, we moved on to his sharing that he really didn't want to have children, and reasons around that. So, the more scandalous topic had passed. What was still foremost in my mind was the gratitude I had that he felt comfortable enough to talk to Donna and me about this topic rather than get misinformation from his peers.

In retrospect, I envy my son. He can have an open conversation about sex with me and not feel that he has to hide any secrets about himself. I had the same experience with my mother decades earlier, but I left out the part about my being gay. I think this omission caused me to make poor choices when I came out and experienced a "second puberty." I didn't treat some of my relationships with the care and consideration I should have largely because I didn't know how to treat myself with the care and consideration I deserved.

I'm glad I outgrew that phase and I'm also glad that I've grown enough personally to treat myself and thereby the relationship I have with my wife with the love and respect we both deserve. I pray that all young people and adults, whether they be gay or straight, use respect and love as their moral compass as they travel through their romantic relationships. Because as I admitted to Hunter; sex is fun, but it's sacred, too.

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