Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"She could get a cardboard box pregnant!"

Yesterday, my wife and I were reminiscing about our fertility doctor, Dr. Jane E. Miller. Although it borders on blasphemy, we believe she's a goddess. She had a hand in the conception of both of our children and we can genuinely say we love her and her staff. We met Dr. Miller early in our marriage when we decided to attend the NYC Gay and Lesbian Expo in 2000. Dr. Miller is a brilliant business woman as well as a doctor. She had a table at the Expo and suddenly two women's biological clocks started ticking.

Donna was the brave one to have our first child, Hunter. I remember sitting in Dr. Miller's waiting room, my heart full with the hope that we could have a child together. I never once felt awkward about my relationship with Donna and we were immediately impressed with Dr. Miller's approach and bedside manner. She made each visit feel like we were with a friend, not just a doctor. I travelled a lot at the time for business and she would ask me about the food I had while I was away. She was a foodie and loved  to travel herself.

So much of that experience was eye opening. I was fascinated at the ability to find and purchase sperm online. Suddenly, parts of our humanity were commodities. I suppose, in many ways, we've been selling parts of ourselves since we could stand upright. But, scrolling through profiles of sperm donors really drove it home. Once we settled on the sperm bank and the donor, we got down to the business of trying to conceive. Dr. Miller always kept us focused and positive and despite the challenges of one working ovary and only two eggs, Donna conceived Hunter in December of 2000.

What a blessing and what a holy time of year to conceive! However, we decided to act as normally as possible. So, what did we do? We drove nearly 500 miles to Maine to spend an early Christmas with my parents. During our visit, Donna, who had been given strict instructions to take it easy, found herself chasing my mother's Rottweiler, Loki, in a snow storm. Loki had gotten loose from the house and was quickly making her way up to the road, when Donna's adept speed and McGyver-like skills with a scarf she had fashioned into a lasso allowed her to retrieve the dog and bring her home. A few days later, on the way home to New Jersey, we should have known that Donna was pregnant. Suddenly, she couldn't stay awake and slept most of the 8 hour drive back home.

Nine months later, we welcomed Hunter into the world on the eve of September 11th. Our joy was tempered with the loss of life that is still unimaginable. I tell Hunter all the time that he has impeccable timing. I had planned to go into Manhattan that day, but I fell in love with a boy for the first time and couldn't imagine going into work when I could bond with my new baby instead.

Dr. Miller was pressed into service for the Graffam family again in 2005, when we started to plan for our second child, our beautiful little princess Skye. Ironically enough, we met another lesbian couple at our church who had conceived their little girl with the help of Dr. Miller. One of our new friends said, "She could get a cardboard box pregnant!" With that glowing endorsement and the evidence of her skills sitting next to us in the living, breathing angels we were blessed to raise, I entered her office full of hope.

Again, I found out in December of 2005 that I was pregnant. What a joyous time. When I delivered Skye, one of Donna's first phone calls was to Dr. Miller. She was so excited, she blurted out, "Dr. Jane, I love you!" Dr. Miller knew immediately that it was Donna and was thrilled for us.

Without Dr. Miller, we never would have been blessed to be parents. I can't find the right words to express my love and gratitude to her for this gift. I know her gifts are from God and I pray she knows just how sacred her work is. I see it everyday in the eyes of my beautiful children. God bless you, Dr. Miller.

Friday, January 14, 2011

"Oh My Gosh, I'm FAMOUS!"

"Oh my Gosh, I'm FAMOUS!!!" Hunter exclaimed as I proudly showed him the cover of Gay Parent Magazine. I finally held in my hand the publication that helped me achieve a long time dream of being published. Gay Parent Magazine (http://www.gayparentmag.com) is a independent magazine that is the longest running, nationally distributed publication dedicated to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender parenting (LGBT). They ran my first blog entry, "There's No Dad" in their January/February issue. More than that, they featured me and most of my family on the cover.

The missing person was Skye. When I submitted the picture for GPM, I sent in one of Hunter, Donna and myself, because my first article featured him. When Skye saw the cover, her reaction was confused, because a very important person was not there. Her. It broke my heart. And, it forced me to explain why. I told her we didn't know we would be featured on the cover, but had we known, of course she would have been there too.

She accepted that explanation and is hopeful as we all are that for a future issue, perhaps the entire Graffam family will be featured. And after speaking to the publisher, I'm positive someday, that will happen.

I find Hunter's reaction priceless. How remarkable that we have raised him to be very proud to be featured on a magazine that has a big bold title Gay Parent emblazoned across the top?  Lately, he's been taking his own public opinion polls about people's acceptance of his family. I think he's become more aware of how his family is different from most. And he's trying to reconcile his own positive personal experience with that of other people's negative experiences.

He recently spent the day with Donna at the Queens Zoo, where she works. One of the guys in the Maintenance Department took him along for a coffee run and Hunter asked him, "Do you know my mothers are gay?" Jeff cautiously answered, "Yeah." Hunter shared that Jeff's tone led him to believe that our being gay wasn't a big deal to him. It encouraged him to talk about Tyler Clementi, the young man who committed suicide after a video of him on a date with another man was posted on YouTube. In Hunter's mind, his decision kill himself didn't make sense. We had to explain to Hunter that not everyone in the world is as accepting of gay people as his friends and family are.

Tyler was the inspiration for this blog. I started it in an effort to show young gay men and lesbians that it does get better. I was also closeted until late in my freshman year of college. After I came out, I had a good deal of work to do in rebuilding my relationships with important people in my life, but it does get better. Twenty years after my own coming out, I live in a beautiful suburb in New Jersey, openly gay and the proud parent of two terrific kids. I can excitedly share the magazine with friends and family and have them share in the joy of my accomplishment.

I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had Gay Parent Magazine been available to me as a young woman. I take great comfort in knowing it's available now to show GLBT people the possibilities of parenthood. I want to thank them for giving me a voice beyond the blog, to share and demonstrate to the world that our families matter. I hope my readership gets as much joy out of reading about our adventures in parenting  as I get in writing about them.

Friday, January 7, 2011

What's the Hardest Thing about Being a Parent?

I've just finished watching the Today Show interview with Cheryl Kilodavis, mother, and author of "My Princess Boy." Rather than play with cars and blocks, Cheryl's five-year old son likes to dress up in pink dresses and sparkly clothes. Her self-published book, "My Princess Boy" was just picked up by Simon & Schuster, and the message it sends is about society needing to be more aware of acceptance. In the interview, Cheryl mentioned that the story was more about her journey to accepting her son, than it was his journey to acceptance.

I think her insight is incredibly powerful. Last month, a friend asked me what the hardest thing about being a parent is. I told her that for me, it's about learning how to get out of Hunter's and Skye's way so I can show them who they are, rather than trying to get them to be who I think they should be. Too often that "should" statement is a reflection of society's stereotypes. So, boys "should" be star athletes, not artists. Girls "should" be quiet, demure princesses, not outspoken thought leaders. Bottom line, we need to accept who our children are and learn how to help them find their place in the world.

Parents do not get a handbook accompanying their newborn infant, telling us what his or her make and model is and how often we need to change their diapers, what their favorite foods are, and how to best handle those sticky moments when feelings are hurt and hearts break for the first time. Despite every child expert's best efforts at penning "What To Expect" reference books, at the end of the day, every child is unique. That unique part of anyone is the essence of who they are. I believe that essence is their spirit. And people's spirits are sacred and should never be damaged. Rather, we should look nurture that spirit and help them write their own stories.

Parenting is the greatest blessing and hardest job I've ever experienced. Part of what makes my experience unique is that I'm a gay parent. That dynamic comes with its own host of challenges, but again, all I want from my community is acceptance. And sometimes, that takes a lot of personal work. When I had Skye, it uncovered a lot of personal stuff I hadn't dealt with and ironically enough, it had very little to do with my lesbianism. For me, Skye held up a mirror in front of me that I couldn't escape. Through the help of a very good therapist and the love and support of my beautiful wife, I was able to accept who I was and what I needed to be the best person I can be. I learned to accept myself.

That self-acceptance has made the challenge of accepting who my children are in their own merits that much easier. And what a gift that awareness has proven to be. I learn as much from my children as they learn from me. I have learned that along with being witty and handsome, Hunter is one of the wisest souls I've had the honor of knowing. He has an uncanny way of simplifying complicated situations by focusing on what's really important.  I have also learned that along with her remarkable memory and passion for fashion, Skye's single-minded determination and hunger for knowledge will quite possibly change our world (and I have faith it will be a positive change).

So, thanks to Cheryl Kilodavis, for reminding me about the importance of acceptance and how pivotal it is to self-awareness and joy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Wife Envy

One of my long-time friends commented on one of my posts and made the statement, "you just sounded like any ol' mom in your blog about teachers. I was looking for the lesbian kick to it (is there even such a thing??!!). If only you could see the smile on my face and the wink in my eye as I tease you! It's my tongue in cheek way of saying you are no different from me (even though I'm jealous you have a wife...)."

That feedback was priceless. It covered so many facets of why I write this blog. It was also a full-circle moment. The friend I mention has known me since elementary school. So much of my childhood was spent in my own self-imposed isolation, because I have known since I was about seven years old that I was a lesbian (although I didn't know that was the word for what made me different). I didn't want to get too close to many people because I was afraid of the rejection and possible harm that would come from my being open about who I was. Imagine my joy in hearing that not only does she recognize that we're more alike than different, but she also has wife envy!

I think in this case, I have dispelled the erotic image that many associate with lesbians and blown open the doors on the truth that our relationships are just as multi-faceted as our straight peers' relationships. I have to admit that I love that my wife does the cleaning and most of the cooking while I manage the budget and do the laundry and the baking. Add to that task list the shared chores of making school lunches and bath time and story time and there isn't much time left at all for intimate moments together.

So, the "lesbian kick" that many of my readers may look for in my writing, more often becomes a "lesbian undertone." Sometimes, Donna and I marvel at how few of our close friends are also gay. Perhaps it's because there are so few openly gay parents compared to the number of straight parents with which we share our community. The most important criteria for us is finding parents that share our family values. With that as the over-riding criteria for whom we share our lives, the orientation of the parents becomes secondary. Therefore, our orientation, and that of the other parents we know, simply becomes another thread in the weave that makes up our diverse community.

To my friend I mentioned at the beginning of my post, thank you so much for voicing what I hoped would happen as I write Out in Suburbia; that is, I'm just like "any ol' mom." And to the friend I left today as I crossed the street with my son after school, thank you for telling him he has two cool moms. You said that it makes him luckier than more than half the kids in the school. This mom thanks you for making it easy to be all of me. I think you're pretty darn cool yourself.

Happy New Year everyone!