"Some of the children think Skye is Racist."

As a person who has been in an inter-racial relationship for years, imagine my shock when I picked up Skye from Camp Carnival on our cruise and the director told me some of the children thought she was racist. Apparently, Skye was playing with one little girl and other children approached them and wanted to play too. Skye told the children she didn't want to play with them because they were brown.

Now, I don't dispute it was a racist statement. I was shocked that she said that at all. When I spoke to Skye about it, she told me that she didn't want to play with them because she just wanted to play with one friend. So, using very flawed judgement (after all, she is only four years old), she decided that she would tell them she didn't want to play with them because they were brown.

When I explained that it was wrong to use the way someone looked as a reason for not liking them or wanting to spend time with them, she was clearly upset that she had upset them. I broke it down by explaining that her Mommy and her Grandad and Granny and her Uncle are all "brown." I asked her if she loved them, and she said, "Yes, Mama. I didn't want to play with the other kids because I wanted to play with just one friend."

As uncomfortable as that teaching moment was, it allowed me to explain to Skye how the important thing to care about was how someone behaved and not how someone looks. It was a teaching moment for the director of the camp, too. Having met Donna and me, she knew that Skye had two moms and one of them was "brown." So, the director was able to assure the offended children that Skye didn't mean to sound racist, she was only having a difficult time explaining she didn't want to play with other children.

For me, that incident shows how racism still scars this country and the world. Although race relations in this country have come a long way, we are all still suffering from the scars that racism inflicted on our collective consciousness. Furthermore, my little girl demonstrated that sometimes the intent of someone's words is not always evident on the surface. Emotional issues like race and bigotry cloud our judgement and create situations where it is very hard to have thoughtful, discerning communication.

Race still casts a shadow in my own daily life. Donna identifies as Black, but most people assume she's Hispanic. As a matter of fact, my brothers are convinced she's not "really"  Black. Given her lesbianism, Donna is a poster child for diversity in many ways, her ethnic makeup not withstanding. But my Caucasian brothers who have limited experience with people of other races, don't have a lot of facts upon which to base their conclusions. Again, their assumptions are a reflection of the assumptions around race that society makes.


I guess the bottom line is although we have come a long way in our race relations, we have not yet gotten completely to where we should be as a society. I continue to believe that we need to teach by example and show the world that there are more folks who do understand that it's the content of one's character and not the color of one's skin that matters. Donna and I feel that way every day in our own family. So, on behalf of this inter-racial lesbian couple, I know we will continue to do our part to overcome racism and elevate character.

"It DOES get better."

I just saw the It Gets Better Public Service Announcement-style campaign that show different GLBT people and allies assuring young GLBT people who are bullied that it does get better as you get older. I can attest to that promise. The most recent example I can raise up is the most joyous time I had celebrating my 40th birthday. I celebrated my birthday on Friday the 13th this year and what is often considered a day fraught with bad luck turned out to be a day filled with love.

I felt as though a festival had been planned, when to my amazement, I answered the door on Thursday, and there stood my best friend Sue and her little sister Chrissy. I had been expecting them, but not until the following day. It truly set the tone for a fun filled weekend.

I also enjoyed all the campy birthday cards designed to poke fun at hitting that milestone year. Of course, many of them had a play on the "f-word." Forty being the f-word in question. And although the cards were meant to play on feelings of being old or out of touch, I don't feel that way at all. I really do think that my forties will be fabulous. Admittedly, I sometimes still struggle with feeling fragmented; however, I have arrived in a place in my life where I have learned to stop and enjoy the moment, so it's not lost in fretting over the future or in regretting the past.

At times during that weekend of blessings, I would step outside of the festivities long enough to recognize how blessed I am with the dearest of friends and the best wife and kids a girl could ask for. I had my local "best-ies" who help Donna and I raise our children here in New Jersey and my best friend of the past 27 years surrounding me. My days and nights were full of laughter and reminiscing. On Friday Sue and Chrissy and I explored the amazing City of New York and returned home to have an unforgettable dinner at the Crab House in Edgewater, NJ, with a spectacular view of the NYC skyline. On Saturday, I enjoyed a fun and relaxing cookout at home with dear friends and all of our children.

As I witnessed a Nerf gun fight break out in which there were as many adults playing as there were children, I knew my cup truly runneth over. What I also realized, for those young readers out there, was that most of the people surrounding me were heterosexual. So, to all of you out there worried that you can't take the bullying for one more minute, please take heart in knowing that it does indeed get better. Perhaps one day if you're as blessed as we are, you can hear your best friend asking you where your wife learned how to cook so well.

"I Believe in Magic."

It's amazing the courage that my children give me. I never in a million years imagined I'd be zip lining through the rain forest in Belize. But, because Hunter wanted to experience it, I wanted to see his thrill first-hand. The best way to do that, was to join him.

Our family vacation showed me many different kinds of courage my son demonstrates. When we went zip lining, he wanted to be the first one in our party to do it. When we had our dolphin encounter, he enthusiastically volunteered to be the first one in our group (it was our family and another family) to meet the dolphins. And when we first arrived on the ship, he made new friends as easily as some of us breathe. With the zip lining, it surprised me that he was willing to go out on a limb, in this case, quite literally, before one of the adults in his life did.  Because he's got such a gentle soul, I sometimes make the same mistake others do, and assume he'd approach risks with some degree of timidity. What I'm starting to realize, is that Hunter is anything but timid.

Watching how Hunter moves through the world, I'm beginning to wonder if courage isn't innate and timidity is something that is learned. As Hunter connected to the zip line and flew over the verdant canopy of the Belize rain forest, he did it while singing "I believe in Magic!" As I connected to the same zip line, I flew over the canopy desperately clutching to my safety lines, silently choking on my terror. The juxtaposition of our behavior was telling and having had time to reflect, it was a profound lesson in how life experience tends to fill us up with fear, losing our capacity for bravery.

I can't help but wonder if all the cautionary tales told about how our world works and how there is danger at every turn doesn't simply stamp our our innate bravery. I know that as I've gotten older, I approach life with caution, carefully scrutinizing every situation for all the "what if" scenarios. What if my being openly gay puts me in harm's way? What if my son is abducted while walking the two blocks between home and school? What if I lose my job because I speak up about inequities or criticize greed-driven policies?

I'm not saying that we should throw caution completely out the window. Hate-crimes and bullying still happen far too often. Child abductions, every parent's worst nightmare still make headlines. And employees often decide to accept diminished compensation and personal job satisfaction because being gainfully employed is more than some folks can say.

What I am saying is that when I safely reached the other side of that first span when zip lining, my terror switched to exhilaration. Initially, I was thrilled simply to have lived. Immediately after that, I was thrilled that I chose risk over fear. My son inspired that. I hope we can continue to create a space for him and for Skye to always embrace life rather than become strangled by fear.