Wednesday, June 29, 2011

"It was nice spending time with you."

Over the weekend, Hunter spends a lot of time in what we affectionately refer to as his "man cave." It's a finished basement with a flat screen TV and Wii unit that allows him to escape from the disproportionate amount of estrogen in the household. So, it was really surprising to overhear him recently telling his sister Skye, "It was nice spending time with you."

I was actually shocked. Of late, they've been bickering more than getting along. Having grown up with three little brothers, I know how frustrating younger siblings can be. On the other hand, having grown up, I appreciate how special that bond is between siblings. We're about to depart for Maine for a week's vacation and one of the things I look most forward to is time spent with my brothers and their families.

I'm glad that the relationship Hunter and Skye have is peppered with sentiments like Hunter shared with his sister. "It was nice spending time with you." How sweet and special that he felt compelled to say that to her. How wonderful for her to hear it, and how proud I was as their parent to witness that moment.

As Americans hear more and more from people frantically trying to undo the progress being made on the same sex marriage front and misguided beliefs that our families are not as healthy as families with a mom and a dad, I hold this example up as anecdotal evidence that we have as much love and support to give our children as any other kind of family does. As I've said  before, my wife and I worked hard to create this family and we continue to work hard to instill strong family values. This aspiration is not gender-biased, it's a common theme that is shared by most parents.

I pray that as our society continues, this inclusive approach to treating one another equally is seen as just that, a step in the right direction toward and inclusive society, and not one defined by narrow-minded thinking that exempts certain people from enjoying civil rights because of whom they love. Love should know no limitations or discrimination.

Over time, it's my sincere hope that regardless of orientation, we can all arrive at a space where we tell one another, "It was nice spending time with you."

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Finding our inner Dolphins

I had the most amazing spiritual experience with a dolphin while vacationing in Cozumel, Mexico. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. When that dolphin and I were looking at each other, it felt like she saw into my soul. What made it even more special is that the entire family enjoyed that experience together. I also loved that the dolphin had a child who also participated in the encounter, so it became  a "play date" with each others children.

The person who facilitated the encounter allowed each of us to spend individual time with those amazing creatures. We got to shake hands, hug them, and kiss them. It was sweet, unconditional acceptance and love.

Juxtaposed against that experience is the abject disappointment I feel as I watch all the recent scandals surrounding political figures like California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and NYS Senator Anthony Wiener. It makes me yearn for humanity to tap into the integrity and wisdom I experienced with that lovely dolphin and her child in Cozumel. If only we could find a way to get back to what matters and trust that when we elect officials based on the platform they claim to represent, we will allow them to make good on those promises.

Personal scandals aside, I know that most of the problem in getting anything accomplished in Washington and our State governments stems from partisanship, which prevents politicians from accomplishing their goals. We continue to be disappointed in our political leaders because of the posturing and petty disputes between parties. It appears that they are more vested in getting their own way and "one-upping" each other rather than working together for the changes this country desperately needs.

A topic near and dear to my heart is equal rights for GLBT citizens. Why is it that the desire for GLBT families to have equal rights sparks such a visceral reaction from many of our fellow citizens? I can tell you one thing; that dolphin in Cozumel didn't care at all that I was a lesbian. She saw me for all of who I am and the love and acceptance I felt was life-changing. My kids also don't care that I love another woman. They care that I love their Mommy and that our family can enjoy the same protections under our government that their friends' "traditional" families enjoy.

So, because I won't live to see a dolphin elected to political office, I hope that we can see past the superficial, flawed double-standards we accept in our elected officials and demand that real change happens in Washington. It's time to collectively grow up and put our sophomoric game play to the side to get real work done. How could allowing all citizens equal rights possibly become a slippery slope for debauchery and the undoing of family values?

Candidly speaking, I've seen more scandal from our heterosexual leaders than I have from those politicians brave enough to serve as openly GLBT. Perhaps that's merely because there are so many more heterosexual politicians relative to the number of GLBT politicians. So, let's stop the name-calling and posturing about superficial, unfounded concerns and find our inner-dolphins so we can work together to bring our country to new levels of greatness.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

"You are letting your life speak for you."

Among other profound bits of wisdom dispersed on the Oprah Winfrey Show finale, she told her audience that "You will receive in direct proportion to what you give. You have the power to save some body's life. . . Everybody has a calling."

My calling is writing this blog.

As a result of producing the blog, it got me published in Gay Parent Magazine, which blesses me with a national audience, and an ability to positively impact even more lives. When I started this blog, I did so with the intention of helping other GLBT people realize that they could have a life full of possibility, and if parenthood was one of their aspirations, being GLBT should not become a reason for not pursing it. As I grew up in rural Maine in the 1970s and -80s, having children was not even part of my vision for my future. I knew I was a lesbian, and I didn't think that having children would be possible. Then, I met a wonderful woman who changed that vision.

Although Donna came out later in life, she always believed that she would have children one day. That belief never wavered, even after coming out in her early thirties. Ironically enough, I would meet Donna when I was in my late twenties and fell in love with her a couple of years into our friendship. I distinctly remember turning 29 just before our commitment ceremony in May of 2000. I turned thirty the following year, and we were already expecting Hunter.

I'm only directly aware of the feedback my small circle of friends who read my blog share with me and they tell me I should keep going. I also know that people around the world are reading it regularly and I'm touched by that audience. One of the things I'm most proud of is influencing a friend's son to work on a project in his middle school about legalizing Gay Marriage. His project is something of a "full-circle moment." I had my most challenging years in middle school, and the climate around that topic, at least in my part of the world nearly 30 years ago was not conducive to mature conversation about GLBT issues. If anything, it was the topic of crass jokes. Now, we're in a place where it becomes the topic of a middle-school social studies project. 

I'm proud that my family inspired this group of students to share how we live our lives as an example of why Gay Marriage should be legalized. They even used the cover of Gay Parent Magazine (the one on which my family was featured) as part of the visual aid. The project was submitted to the Project Citizen NJ contest hosted by Rutgers University for NJ students statewide. I'm proud to say it placed second.

For me, that accomplishment is a barometer for how far we have come and how much more progressive and open-minded our future leaders are about this topic. They realize that we are simply another family living our lives as thoughtfully and lovingly as any other "traditional" family does. Perhaps that understanding will finally propel equal rights legislation for GLBT people. I am confident it will pass in my lifetime.

We are blowing open closet doors everywhere and demystifying the scandalous, taboo perception so many people have held for so long about GLBT people. The Graffam family is living our life here in our suburb of New Jersey and letting it speak for us. It warms my heart to know many people are proud of what we're telling the world.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Mom, are you GAY?!!!

Last month, one of our fellow moms was blowing a kiss to a group of us as she was leaving, and her daughter blurted out, "Mom, are you gay?!!!!" The question was asked with horror, only the slightest bit of joking was heard in her tone. She's in fifth grade, and I'm sure that the topic of sexuality is heightened because of her pubescent stage of life. We could tell that her mother wanted to die. Donna and I were part of the group of moms that were the recipients of this goodbye kiss and because we're openly lesbian, she blurted out that question.

Clearly, homophobia is still alive and well in our community, and because it rarely shows its face while Donna and I are in a crowd, the occasions in which it does appear are startling. My emotions go in a hundred different directions when incidents like that happen. I find myself struggling with whether to excuse the outburst because she's a child or seize the opportunity to teach how affection towards someone of the same sex, if one of the people is gay, doesn't mean that the person showing the affection has suddenly qualified for a toaster oven because they've converted to "our team."

My stoic, rational wife was able to play it off and say, "You're mom's saying goodbye to a lot of her friends. It doesn't mean she's gay." There really was no conversation after she made that comment, because the child's mother couldn't get out of the uncomfortable situation she found herself in fast enough.

My reaction not nearly as mature as my wife's and as I made eye contact with another mom who witnessed the outburst and who happened to be straight, we were barely able to contain our nervous laughter as soon as the little girl and her mom left. And now, there's a punch line with that mom each time I greet her with a kiss. Wait a beat, and then one of us will ask with feigned horror, "hold on.  . . are you GAY?"

I know that I am profoundly blessed in that overall, the way in which Donna and I have lived our lives has made a positive impact on our community and allows us to be welcomed as another family in a community of people who are really tightly knit.

However, the knowledge that in other communities around the globe, that little girl's statement is a reflection of the majority's attitude toward gay people, saddens me. It's those communities that drive me to continue to publish this blog and shed light and I believe, hope, that it is possible to live authentically and safely. So, in honor of Gay Pride Month, let's all of us, GLBT and our allies, work harder than ever to drive out homophobia from our communities. I welcome my readers to comment on ways you plan to do that.