Before Hunter went to bed the other night, he crawled between Donna and me and asked, "You guys will still love me even if I did something really bad, right?" He was fighting tears as he waited for our reassurance.
Once he had it from both of us, he admitted that when he had two of his best buddies over for the weekend of his birthday, they were bragging about different websites they had seen which have some pretty questionable content. What he described was nothing like pornography (Thank God!), but more along the lines of Jackass-style shorts. He tried to explain that he felt like a baby because he knew we would not approve of the content of the sites, so he hadn't seen them.
I tried to explain that sometimes guys exaggerate about what they've done or seen to seem cool. He wasn't buying it. Donna tried to explain that both of the boys in question have older brothers, so they would have been more likely to be exposed to things like that. He wasn't having that, either. He insisted that he needed more "guy time."
That always hits a sore spot with me. Neither Donna nor I can fulfill that craving. It's our Achilles heel. As much as we have strong men in his circle, none of them live with us and they each have family and careers that they juggle. They often include Hunter, but not frequently enough for his liking. Add to that, both Donna's brother and my brothers live in different parts of the world, and his Godfather lives in Florida and is adjusting to being a new Dad, so I think Hunter's feeling lost in a sea of estrogen.
He's such a good boy and he's growing into a such a strong young man. Ten years old is the new 14. It's fraught with messages of dating and independence so close he can barely take it. I know he's trying to maintain a strong code of integrity and honor while also trying to fit in with the guys. I can't imagine how frustrating and lonely he must be at times.
My hope is that his belief we will love him no matter what will help him navigate the choppy waters ahead of him right now. Whether or not he realizes it, Hunter is one of my heroes. He's very comfortable telling his friends he has two moms and he's willingly stepping into leadership roles, having signed up as a "Safety" at his school. That means he's in charge of the kindergarten class and helps the kindergarten teachers line them up and corral them until schools starts and ends. He's a great role model.
Somehow, he's demonstrating that being a good man is more about character than testosterone and I couldn't be prouder of the person he is and the man he's growing into. So, although I wish I could put the brakes on as he catapults towards puberty, I will trust that he has the common sense to navigate the world in a manner that allows him to maintain his integrity.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
"Mama, I'm still five and a girl, right?"
Lately, Skye has been asking daily, "Mama, I'm still five and I'm a girl, right?" Although it's starting to get a bit annoying, it made me think about how deeply our identity is tied to our gender.
Skye is thrilled to be a girl. She loves shoes and bags and dresses and outfits. She came down to have dinner yesterday dressed in a princess gown, armed with her magic wand. Her favorite colors are pink and purple and her favorite movie is Princess and Frog. She loves being a girl. She's even gotten me to embrace my inner-girl and add a lot of pink to my wardrobe.
So, I have been watching Dancing with the Stars this season because I am fascinated by Chaz Bono's story. He is an inspiration and has shed so much light on what it means to be transgendered. Because his famous parents, who are music legends, he's had to do this with an international spotlight shining on his every decision. I've followed him since last year when the documentary which captured his transition was released. At that time, he was still in the early stages of his transition and was struggling with people's varied reactions to his choices, especially his mom's reaction. Now, he seems to be joyful and fully authentic. I think Cher's reaction last week on DWTS mirrored the joy that so many of us are feeling on his behalf.
I am blessed to have been given a body that mirrors my gender identity. I may be critical of the extra pounds on my frame, but I don't have to go through hormone treatments and surgeries to get my physical body to match my gender identity. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for the millions of transgendered people in the world today, who feel imprisoned in a body that doesn't match their identity.
I'm also blessed that both of our children are blessed with bodies that reflect their identities. Although gender falls on a spectrum, there is no doubt that Hunter is happy being a boy and Skye is happy being a girl. I only wish that Chaz didn't have to wait until he was 40 before he felt at home with himself. I hope that the joy he feels now is abundant enough to compensate for the years of feeling trapped. I'm incredibly proud of him and hope that his inspiration begins to chip away at society's ignorance surrounding gender identity and expression.
Skye is thrilled to be a girl. She loves shoes and bags and dresses and outfits. She came down to have dinner yesterday dressed in a princess gown, armed with her magic wand. Her favorite colors are pink and purple and her favorite movie is Princess and Frog. She loves being a girl. She's even gotten me to embrace my inner-girl and add a lot of pink to my wardrobe.
So, I have been watching Dancing with the Stars this season because I am fascinated by Chaz Bono's story. He is an inspiration and has shed so much light on what it means to be transgendered. Because his famous parents, who are music legends, he's had to do this with an international spotlight shining on his every decision. I've followed him since last year when the documentary which captured his transition was released. At that time, he was still in the early stages of his transition and was struggling with people's varied reactions to his choices, especially his mom's reaction. Now, he seems to be joyful and fully authentic. I think Cher's reaction last week on DWTS mirrored the joy that so many of us are feeling on his behalf.
I am blessed to have been given a body that mirrors my gender identity. I may be critical of the extra pounds on my frame, but I don't have to go through hormone treatments and surgeries to get my physical body to match my gender identity. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for the millions of transgendered people in the world today, who feel imprisoned in a body that doesn't match their identity.
I'm also blessed that both of our children are blessed with bodies that reflect their identities. Although gender falls on a spectrum, there is no doubt that Hunter is happy being a boy and Skye is happy being a girl. I only wish that Chaz didn't have to wait until he was 40 before he felt at home with himself. I hope that the joy he feels now is abundant enough to compensate for the years of feeling trapped. I'm incredibly proud of him and hope that his inspiration begins to chip away at society's ignorance surrounding gender identity and expression.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Happy Anniversary
Today is the anniversary of Out in Suburbia. I'm so proud of how wide-reaching my posts have become. My hope is that its message has positively influenced my readers, both gay and straight. Many of you already know that Tyler Clementi was the inspiration for this blog.
Sadly, others like Tyler continue to inspire me to keep spreading my message. In 2006, 14-year old Megan Meiers ended her life after a boy she befriended online began harassing her. The two exchanged messages, ending with Josh telling Megan the world would be better off without her. After Megan’s death, her parents discovered Josh Evans was a character fabricated by 46-year-old Lori Drew, the mother of a former friend of Megan. Drew lived four houses down the street from the Meiers.
New bullying statistics for 2010 reveal about one in seven students in grades kindergarten through 12th grade is either a bully or has been a victim of bullying. Tragically, suicide continues to be one of the leading causes of death among children under the age of 14. Suicide rates are continuing to grow among adolescents, and have grown more than 50 percent in the past 30 years. Cyber bullying can be very damaging to adolescents and teens. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicide.
As recently as last month, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14-year-old Buffalo, NY-area teen killed himself after enduring years of bullying over his homosexuality. Clearly, there still areas of our country and this world where being gay is not okay. What breaks my heart is that these suicide victims believe death is their only escape.
That's why I'm proud to have been asked by my children's school to serve as the parent representative of the Safety Team, a group of administrators, teachers and our school psychologist and guidance counselor put in place to prevent bullying. I've spent this week in the school kicking off New Jersey's Week of Respect by sharing lesson plans jointly developed by my employer, IBM, and GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network. The lessons pivot around respecting one another's differences and finding ways to prevent bullying. Programs like this and other efforts that New Jersey is making to create safe places for our children will model the way for other schools so that nationwide, our children feel like they have other ways to cope and make things better.
I encourage my readers to find ways they can contribute to their own communities to make their children's experiences safer and more accepting. If you are already doing things to make a difference, please share your good works, so we can all benefit and borrow from each other's service. We can't afford to turn an eye or think that since these suicides are happening elsewhere, it doesn't matter. Every life matters and every life lost has tragic consequences that simply cannot be measured.
So, I look forward to the day when I can share good news stories about lives being made richer and more joyful instead of tragic examples that show we still have so much more to do.
Sadly, others like Tyler continue to inspire me to keep spreading my message. In 2006, 14-year old Megan Meiers ended her life after a boy she befriended online began harassing her. The two exchanged messages, ending with Josh telling Megan the world would be better off without her. After Megan’s death, her parents discovered Josh Evans was a character fabricated by 46-year-old Lori Drew, the mother of a former friend of Megan. Drew lived four houses down the street from the Meiers.
New bullying statistics for 2010 reveal about one in seven students in grades kindergarten through 12th grade is either a bully or has been a victim of bullying. Tragically, suicide continues to be one of the leading causes of death among children under the age of 14. Suicide rates are continuing to grow among adolescents, and have grown more than 50 percent in the past 30 years. Cyber bullying can be very damaging to adolescents and teens. It can lead to anxiety, depression, and even suicide.
As recently as last month, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14-year-old Buffalo, NY-area teen killed himself after enduring years of bullying over his homosexuality. Clearly, there still areas of our country and this world where being gay is not okay. What breaks my heart is that these suicide victims believe death is their only escape.
That's why I'm proud to have been asked by my children's school to serve as the parent representative of the Safety Team, a group of administrators, teachers and our school psychologist and guidance counselor put in place to prevent bullying. I've spent this week in the school kicking off New Jersey's Week of Respect by sharing lesson plans jointly developed by my employer, IBM, and GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian, Straight Education Network. The lessons pivot around respecting one another's differences and finding ways to prevent bullying. Programs like this and other efforts that New Jersey is making to create safe places for our children will model the way for other schools so that nationwide, our children feel like they have other ways to cope and make things better.
I encourage my readers to find ways they can contribute to their own communities to make their children's experiences safer and more accepting. If you are already doing things to make a difference, please share your good works, so we can all benefit and borrow from each other's service. We can't afford to turn an eye or think that since these suicides are happening elsewhere, it doesn't matter. Every life matters and every life lost has tragic consequences that simply cannot be measured.
So, I look forward to the day when I can share good news stories about lives being made richer and more joyful instead of tragic examples that show we still have so much more to do.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
"Enjoy Dinner with your Wife."
My wife's dinner cravings result in my being in any number of places on a Saturday night collecting her meal du jour. This past Saturday, it resulted in my being at Blue Moon Cafe to pick up something Mexican. I went directly to the bar to order her meal and as I placed my order with the waitress, she asked me if I liked my guacamole spicy or regular. I told her that the guacamole was for my wife, not me. She smiled and without skipping a beat, she suggested we play it safe and go with the regular. Then, she put a Corona Light in front of me while I watched the post season game between Tampa Bay and Texas.
I was enjoying my drink when an elderly gentlemen named Theo (my wife insists I'm a magnet for older men) struck up conversation with me. He shared a lot about his life; everything from his favorite football team, the Steelers, to his best friend who was about to lose his wife to cancer. She was dying as we spoke and would leave behind four children, all of whom were "of age," but that wouldn't really dull the pain of losing a mother. Soon, my dinner arrived and I prepared to leave. Right as I was saying goodbye to Theo, my waitress passed me my order and said with a wink, "Enjoy dinner with your wife."
I didn't check to see if Theo was shocked or not. What thrilled me was how much fun the waitress seemed to have in wishing me a wonderful night. Ironically, it was October 1st, the beginning of National Coming Out month. I didn't consciously plan on coming out that evening. The clarification that my order wasn't for me but for my wife rolled off my tongue as easily as if I'd told her that I preferred not having cilantro in my dish. Perhaps because it was so easily offered, it resulted in an equally easy acceptance from my waitress.
I love living in this part of the country, where sharing that information will most likely be welcomed with a similar reaction. I also love that I have been able to move through the world as myself and I'm able to share conversation with a stranger who may have been interested in more than my preference of sporting events but didn't choke when he learned I was going home to another woman.
My gratitude goes out to the generations before me who sacrificed so much to allow me to enjoy living authentically. I hope my example inspires young GLBT people to believe that one day they can have a similar experience. Folks, it does get better. And, we deserve it!
I was enjoying my drink when an elderly gentlemen named Theo (my wife insists I'm a magnet for older men) struck up conversation with me. He shared a lot about his life; everything from his favorite football team, the Steelers, to his best friend who was about to lose his wife to cancer. She was dying as we spoke and would leave behind four children, all of whom were "of age," but that wouldn't really dull the pain of losing a mother. Soon, my dinner arrived and I prepared to leave. Right as I was saying goodbye to Theo, my waitress passed me my order and said with a wink, "Enjoy dinner with your wife."
I didn't check to see if Theo was shocked or not. What thrilled me was how much fun the waitress seemed to have in wishing me a wonderful night. Ironically, it was October 1st, the beginning of National Coming Out month. I didn't consciously plan on coming out that evening. The clarification that my order wasn't for me but for my wife rolled off my tongue as easily as if I'd told her that I preferred not having cilantro in my dish. Perhaps because it was so easily offered, it resulted in an equally easy acceptance from my waitress.
I love living in this part of the country, where sharing that information will most likely be welcomed with a similar reaction. I also love that I have been able to move through the world as myself and I'm able to share conversation with a stranger who may have been interested in more than my preference of sporting events but didn't choke when he learned I was going home to another woman.
My gratitude goes out to the generations before me who sacrificed so much to allow me to enjoy living authentically. I hope my example inspires young GLBT people to believe that one day they can have a similar experience. Folks, it does get better. And, we deserve it!
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